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SHORT FUNNY STORIES


SHORT FUNNY JOKES ADULTS

  1. Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
    A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
  2. Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
    A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

  3. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
    A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

  4. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
    A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

  5. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
    A: Miracle Whip.

6. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!

  1. Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
    A: Never bin laid on
  • Q: Why is santa so jolly?
    A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

  • Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
    A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

  • 10. Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran in-front of the bus?
    A: He got tired

    1. Q: How does a woman scare a  gynecologist?
      A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
  • Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
    A: Pull some strings.

  • Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
    A: Because they can’t stand up for themselves

  • Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
    A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done

  • Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
    A: Because his pecker is on his head!

  • 16. Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
    A: He needed to get to the bottom!

    1. Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
      A: Cover me im going in!
  • Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
    A: Crabs on your organ.

  • Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
    A: Forget about it.

  • 20. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
    A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

    1. Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
      A: Boobies
  • Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
    A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

  • Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

  • Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
    A: Her navel.

  • Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
    A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

  • Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
    A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens!

  • Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
    A: Halfway

  • Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
    A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

  • Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
    A: FUCKS FUNNY

  • Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
    A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

  • Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
    A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..

  • Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
    A: The back of my hand.

  • Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
    A: They both don’t work and always take your money.

  • Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
    A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

  • Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
    A: Trust me.

  • Q: What do bread and autistic kids have in common?
    A: They both have special needs

  • Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me! One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

  • Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
    A: They both suck for four quarters.

  • Q: What is a crack head’s favorite song?
    A: I wanna rock!

  • Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
    A: Wave to them!

  • Q: What do you call a gang banger behind bars?
    A: Anything you want.

  • Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
    A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

  • Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
    A: A bucking horse.

  • Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
    A: He got the gas bill.

  • Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
    A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

  • 46. Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?    

    A: They both stick there meat in 10 year oldbbuns     

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    Really Funny Knock Knock Jokes For Adults

    71. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    I suck.
    I suck who?
    Michael Jackson.

    72. Knock knock!
    Who’s there.
    Boo.
    Boo who?
    Stop crying you pussy! It’s just a joke!

    73. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Xavier.
    Xavier who?
    Xavier breath and open the damn door!

    74. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Asshole.
    Asshole who?
    Open the door and find out, asshole!

    75. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Banana.
    Banana who?
    Banana split so ice creamed!

    76. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Water.
    Water who?
    Water way to answer the door!

    77. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Justin.
    Justin who?
    Justin time to wipe my ass!

    78. Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Phil.
    Phil who?
    Phil McCrackin!

    79. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Amos.
    Amos who?
    A mosquito bit me!

    80. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Andy.
    Andy who?
    Andy bit me again!

    81. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Honeybee.
    Honeybee who?
    Honeybee a dear and bring me a beer!

    82. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Ima.
    Ima who?
    Ima horney! Lets screw!

    83. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Madame.
    Madame who?
    Madame foot’s caught in the door!

    84. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Dwayne.
    Dwayne who?
    Dwayne the bathtub, I’m drowning!

    85. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Ivana.
    Ivana who?
    Ivana fuck you!

    86. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Shmel Mipe.
    Shmel Mipe who?
    No thanks… I’m not into that.

    87. Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Ben.
    Ben who?
    Ben dover and I’ll show ya!

    88. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Jenny Tull.
    Jenny Tull who?
    Jenny Tull warts!

    89. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Budweiser.
    Budweiser who?
    Budweiser girlfriend walking funny?

    90. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Gladiator.
    Gladiator who?
    He’s gladiator before they screwed!

    91. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Little Boy Blue.
    Little Boy Blue who?
    Micheal Jackson.

    92. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Ben Hur.
    Ben Hur who?
    Ben Hur over the table!

    93. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Tera.
    Tera who?
    Tera McClosoff!

    94. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Halibut.
    Halibut who?
    Halibut a kiss, darling?

    95. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Zizi.
    Zizi who?
    Zizi when you know how!

    96. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Little old lady.
    Little old lady who?
    I didn’t know you could yodel!

    97. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Ben.
    Ben who?
    Ben Dover!
    98. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Armageddon.
    Armageddon who?
    Armageddon out of here!

    99. Knock knock!
    Who’s there?
    Lemme.
    Lemme who?
    Lemme see those tits!

    100. Knock knock!
    Who’s there.
    Sho Mia.
    Sho Mia who?
    Sho Mia your ass!

    Funny Halloween Jokes For Adults

    101. Q: How can you tell when a vampire has
    been in a bakery?
    A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

    102. Q: What songs does Dracula hate?
    A: “You Are My Sunshine” and “Sunshine on my
    Shoulders.

    103. Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
    A: She bats her eyes.

    104. Q: Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
    A: He was all bite and no bark.

    105. Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his
    lunch?
    A: At the casketeria.

    106. Q: What does a vampire never order at a
    restaurant?
    A: A stake sandwich…

    107. Q: What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes?

    A: They suck!

    108. Q: What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
    A: Casketball…

    109. Q: Why does Dracula consider himself a
    good artist?

    A: Because he likes to draw blood!
    110. Q: What is a vampires favorite holiday?
    A: Fangsgiving

    111. Q: What happens when two vampires meet?
    A: It was love at first bite!

    112. Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New
    York?
    A: The Vampire State Building.

    113. Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
    A: He had a fang-ache.

    114. Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs
    and goes quack-quack?
    A: Count Duckula

    115. Q: Why are vampires like false teeth?

    A: They all come out at night.
    116. Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
    A: A necktarine

    117. Q: How did the ghost say goodbye to the
    vampire?

    A: So long sucker!
    118. Q: What did Dracula have for dessert?
    A: Whine & Ice scream

    119. Q: What do you get when you cross a
    vampire and a snow man?
    A: Frostbite

    120. Q: Why do vampires scare people?
    A: They are bored to death

    121. Q: How can you tell a vampire likes
    baseball?
    A: Every night he turns into a bat.

    122. Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?
    A: A guy with very high blood pressure…

    123. Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
    A: To stop his coffin

    124. Q: What is a vampire’s favorite mode of
    transportation?
    A: A blood vessel

    125. Q: What’s a Vampire’s least favorite song?
    A: Another one bites the dust!

    126. Q: What is Dracula’s favorite restaraunt?
    A: Murder King

    127. Q: Where do vampires keep their money?
    A: The blood bank!!!

    128. Q: What do you get when you cross a
    vampire with the internet?
    A: blood-thirsty hacker baby

    129. Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
    A: It’s a pain in the neck.


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    1. Q: What is a vampires least favorite food?


    A: Steak

    131. Q: Who does Dracula get letters from?
    A: His fang club.

    132. Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
    A: To stop his coffin.

    133. Q: Why does Dracula wear patent leather
    shoes?
    A: Sandals don’t look good with his tuxedo.

    Funny Clean Jokes For Adults

    134. Q: Did you hear about the race between the
    lettuce and the tomato?

    A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was
    trying to “ketchup”!

    135. Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
    A: It went back four seconds.

    136. Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
    A: Froze-T

    137. Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
    A: I kneed you.

    138. Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar
    and a fish?”
    A: “You can’t tuna fish.”

    139. Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
    A: A Chimp off the old block.

    140. Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t
    matter?
    A: An irrelephant.

    141. Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
    A: Lawsuits!

    142. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
    A: An Impasta

    143. Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
    A: An Investigator

    144. Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
    A: A-Dell

    145. Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage
    in Jamaica?
    A: It’s dread-full.

    146. Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
    A: Spoiled milk.

    147. Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New
    Jersey, what would Delaware?
    A: Idaho… Alaska!

    148. Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
    A: Put a little boogey in it!

    149. Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
    A: Ton.

    150. Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
    A: Gets jalapeno business

    151. Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe
    polish?
    A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

    152. Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
    A: He held up a pair of pants.

    153. Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
    A: A four chin teller.

    154. Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
    A: A towel.

    155. Q: What do you call a computer floating in
    the ocean?
    A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

    156.Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
    A: Lettuce get together!

    157. Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood
    up to the bullies?
    A: An ambulance.

    158.Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
    A: It’s sweeping the nation!

    159. Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
    A: To reach the high notes.

    160. Q: How does a suit put his child into bed?
    A: He tux him in
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