FUNNY JOKES · FUNNY STORIES · JOKES · Uncategorized

MY MOM SAYS AM CUTE


My name is Peter from Iten.I have a problem with women, here is what I am undergoing.

I was born a brave boy, and even voted the most handsome pupil in my school during a contest. I grew up knowing women love me.

I am now mature and ready to marry but I have a problem with women. Every time I approach a lady, she runs like she has seen a disaster. I try to explain why I am the best man in her life but she sneers at me.I have tried in more than 10 occasions to ask my mother whether I am handsome, and she always say,”yes”.Since I trust my mum more than these silly girls I don’t even need to look at myself in the mirror.

I am now asking, what trick can I use to win a beautiful woman. Please help a desperate brother.

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SHORT FUNNY STORIES


SHORT FUNNY JOKES ADULTS

1. Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

2. Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

3. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

4. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

5. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

6. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!

7. Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Never bin laid on

8. Q: Why is santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

9. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

10. Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran in-front of the bus?
A: He got tired

11. Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

12. Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.

13. Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can’t stand up for themselves

14. Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done

15. Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

16. Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He needed to get to the bottom!

17. Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!

18. Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

19. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.

20. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

21. Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies

22. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

23. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

24. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

25. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

26. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens!

27. Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
A: Halfway

28. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

29. Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: FUCKS FUNNY

30. Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

31. Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..

32. Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.

33. Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don’t work and always take your money.

34. Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

35. Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

36. Q: What do bread and autistic kids have in common?
A: They both have special needs

37. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me! One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

38. Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

39. Q: What is a crack head’s favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!

40. Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!

41. Q: What do you call a gang banger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.

42. Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

43. Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.

44. Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.

45. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

46. Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?

A: They both stick there meat in 10 year oldbbuns

BIBLE VERSES · LORD'S MASSAGE · TODAY'S SCRIPTURE · Uncategorized

HE IS WAITING TO LIFT YOU UP


HE IS WAITING TO LIFT YOU UP: Are you feeling weak? Are you stressed? Are you facing hardship? Are you sick? Are you hopeless? Are you not sure of your future? Are you having setbacks in life? Are you in tears and sadness? Is there no one willing to get you back on your feet? Is everything you touch not prospering? You do not have to look far Just fix your eyes on Jesus He is the Lord and Savior. Sometimes there are things we can not handle on our own. Sometimes we feel so broken down and all those around us can even ignore us. We will be in pain trying to look for the answer of our questions but no where to turn to. We soak ourselves in sorrow with no option on where to start from and how to start. Whenever we are in such a situation We have to realize that we are not alone. People can reject you. People can ignore helping you. People can turn their back on you. People can distance themselves away from you. But God will never leave you. God will never abandon you. God will always be there with you. You maybe in hardship right now You may be facing difficult situations right now You maybe unhappy right now You maybe confuse right now But only if you could get down on your knees and surrender all your situations in the hands of God then you will receive your deliverence! When we learn to depend on God All our tribulations will come to an end. God is a miracle working God. He has no happiness in watching His child suffers. So surrender yourself and your situation to him and i promise you that He will fix you and all your lost joy will be restored back! Wherever you are In whatever your doing Know that God loves you. He is ready to lift you up. He is ready to make you strong when your weak! Depend on him and He will never let you down! Those who look at God And depend on him fully will never be failures in life! Your not a failure. Just fix your eyes on God and He will provide all your needs in abundance according to his riches in Glory through Jesus Christ! Amen share to bless others

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RICH PEOPLE’S SWAG


RICH PEOPLE SWAG

I went to see a friend from a very rich family.

The maid approached Mε̲̣̣̣̥ & this talk followed:

MAID: What would you like to have: fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or coffee?

ME: Tea please.

MAID: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold tea,bush tea or green tea?

ME: Ceylon tea please.
MAID: how do you want it, black or white?
ME: White. …

MAID: Milk or fresh cream?

ME: With milk.

MAID: Goat milk or cow milk?
ME: Cow’s milk.
MAID: Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
ME: Uhm, lemme go with d freezeland cow.
MAID: Would u lyk it with sweetner, sugar or honey?
ME: Sugar.
MAID: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
ME: Cane sugar
MAID: White, brown or yellow sugar?
ME: l beg, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water…

MAID: Mineral, tap or distilled water?
ME: Mineral water. MAID: flavored or non flavored?
ME: In fact, just get me an empty glass!
Kachai kameleta stress hahaa haa…. :-3 ❤READ MORE

Resend to all Your friends to put a smile on †heir faces……

Don’t spoil the fun.

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SCHOOL FUNN


Niliona composition yako ya KCPE, Nilibabika baya:: One day I saw our goat crying. I went with a tall speed (thifidi nene). I was angry lyk a devil (ndarakarite ta ngoma) when it saw am nt laughing (yona ndiratheka) it stopped.

I hold the road and went back (nginyita njira ngicoka).

When I had beaten a corner lyk lack of importance(ndahura kona takwaga fata ri) I saw it had carried me babily (ngiona nianguite wana) let me laugh, let me laugh, until I dried my ribs (reke theke ngitheka,nginya ngiuma mbaru).

usicheke solo chokoza mabeste ili pia wacheke…

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THE WIKEND GRANDMOM


A MUST READ STORY FOR THE HEART.

A 26-year lady who lives with her step-mother for the past 22-years always pass her University examination but will never be promoted.

She has been in level 100 for the past three-years.
Last Friday night on her way home from church, she met this old beggar & dropped $1.00 in her bowl.

The old woman told the girl to take all the money in her bowl & buy her step-mother a White cloth as a gift.

Inside the bowl the girl saw a thick tall fair young woman’s picture.

She told the old lady the woman in the picture is very beautiful & wish to meet her one day.

The old lady replies”Blood is thicker than water” & left.
The girl did everything the old lady told her.

The next Monday in class, the head master came to the class & told her she is not suppose to be in that class.

She is supposed to be in Level 300 this year.

The head master took her to his office, gave her money to buy her books & walked her into her level 300 class.

When she got home, she saw her step-mum dead lying down beside her the picture she saw in the old lady’s bowl.

She asked her dad, her dad told him that lady is her dead mum.

Her dad told her the step-mother was the cause of her misfortune in school, the cause of her mother’s death & the spells she placed on him not to love her.

She used her womb to do all this things.

After the death of the step-mother, everything went back to normal.

I pray from this day, that has been going through life pains, ceased Glory, standing or sitting at the same level in life through peoples wickedness will receive the favor of God’s breakthrough now by the power invested in you

SHARE TO BLESS OTHERS

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FUNNY JOKES


A JOKE

A girl was with her
father when she
saw her boyfriend
coming

GIRL: Have you come
to collect your book
titled “DADDY IS AT
HOME?”
by Ngozi
Okafor

BOY: No, I want that
your hymn book
called “WHERE
SHOULD I WAIT FOR
YOU?”

GIRL: I don’t have
that one but maybe
you should take
the other one titled
“UNDER THE MANGO
TREE”
by
Chimamanda Adichie

BOY: Fine, but don’t
forget to bring “I
WILL CALL YOU IN 5
MINUTES”
while
coming to school

GIRL:
I will also bring
you a new one too
titled“I WON’T LET
YOU DOWN”
by
Chinua Achebe
Then;
DAD: Those books
are too many, will
he read them all

GIRL: Yes dad, he is
very smart &
intelligent

DAD:
Okay don’t
forget to give him
the one on the table
titled “I AM NOT
STUPID, I
UNDERSTOOD
EVERYTHING YOU’VE
BEEN SAYING”
by
Shakespeare And
also the one on the
dinning table titled
“IF YOU GET
PREGNANT PREPARE
TO GET MARRIED”

by Kimani
Hahahaha….. come on
don’t leave it there
pass it on because
you never know
who needed just a
smile.

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