FUNNY JOKES · FUNNY STORIES · JOKES · Uncategorized

MY MOM SAYS AM CUTE


My name is Peter from Iten.I have a problem with women, here is what I am undergoing.

I was born a brave boy, and even voted the most handsome pupil in my school during a contest. I grew up knowing women love me.

I am now mature and ready to marry but I have a problem with women. Every time I approach a lady, she runs like she has seen a disaster. I try to explain why I am the best man in her life but she sneers at me.I have tried in more than 10 occasions to ask my mother whether I am handsome, and she always say,”yes”.Since I trust my mum more than these silly girls I don’t even need to look at myself in the mirror.

I am now asking, what trick can I use to win a beautiful woman. Please help a desperate brother.

FUNNY JOKES · FUNNY STORIES · JOKES

FUNNY FAMILY PRAYER


A Little Boy in a family Was Ordered To Pray before they could go to sleep for the Night!

Boy: I Don’t Know How To Pray…..!

Dad: Just Pray For Every Thing You Know about The Family And Our Neighbours.

Boy: Mummy, Please, Tell Daddy I Can’t Pray!

Mummy:: Shut Up, If You Don’t Pray You’ll Not Eat Food In this House!

Boy: Dad, Tell Sister To Pray Please…!

Dad: My son, Pray Before I Slap You Hard Now!

Boy: “Dear Lord…..” He Started…..!
“Thank You Oh God For Our Visitors And Their Children Who always Come Here To Eat Our Food, Don’t Let Them Finish All Our Food for we shall be Hungry!

From Today Father, Any Boy Who Beats Or Slaps Me In School, Help Me To Slap Them Back!
Forgive Our Driver Who I Always See Naked With My Sister Wrestling On The Bed!

Help my sister to fight back before the driver can make her grow round!

Forgive my elder brother who doesn’t sleep at home regularly!

Please, Provide Clothes To All The Naked Ladies On My Daddy’s
Phone and don’t let them drain my father’s salary!

Give my Daddy courage to buy for us good things as he always do to Aunty our house girl!

Again Lord Don’t Let Our House Girl Put Her Mouth Inside My Daddy’s Mouth Again!

Please, Provide Shelter For All The Men Who Sleep In Mum’s Room Anytime Dad Travels. Forgive me wherever I have asked wrongly!
In Jesus Name I pray…..!”

Nobody said AMEN!!

Every Body Regretted Ever Forcing Him To Pray…�

Don’t Laugh Alone.. Share With Your Friends.😅😅😅😆😜😂😛

FUNNY JOKES · FUNNY STORIES · JOKES

CONVO BTWN A BOY AND A GIRL


BOY; knock knock knock

GIRL; opens the door

.BOY; Good afternoon baby?

GIRL; Afternoon darling… Is everything okay because I have never seen u coming here at my place.

BOY; I wanted to surprise you.

GIRL; No because you are always scared of my parents.

BOY; Where are your parents?

GIRL; They are all at the church

BOY; At what time are they coming back?

GIRL; Around 17:00hrs

BOY; OK I will come and talk to them later ( he knelt down and showed the girl a Ring and said) WILL YOU MARRY ME?

GIRL; She said nothing but only tears came out.

BOY; what’s wrong, I thought this would be a good news to you but all am seeing is you’re crying.

GIRL; I can’t marry you darling go find other woman who is better than me.

BOY; baby why are you saying so?

GIRL; I am HIV positive!!!

BOY; Brokes into tears and hold the hand and said.

I love honey and I will marry you you weather HIV positive or negative I don’t care.

GIRL; I love you too darling and yes I will marry you

.The question is can you marry someone who is HIV positive?

Yes/No

FUNNY JOKES · FUNNY STORIES · JOKES

GIVE THIS GUY SOME MARKS


How many marks can u give him?

TEACHER: IN WHICH BATTLE DID NAPOLEONDIE?

MUZO: HIS LAST BATTLE.

TEACHER: WHERE WAS THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE SIGNED?

MUZO: AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.

TEACHER: RIVER RAVI FLOWS IN WHICH STATE?

MUZO: LIQUID.
TEACHER: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR DIVORCE?

MUZO: MARRIAGE.
TEACHER: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR FAILURE?

MUZO: EXAMS.
TEACHER: WHAT CAN YOU NEVER EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

MUZO: LUNCH AND DINNER
TEACHER: WHAT LOOKS LIKE HALF AN APPLE?

MUZO: THE OTHER HALF.

TEACHER: IF YOU THROW A RED STONE INTO THE BLUE SEA WHAT WILL IT BECOME?

MUZO: WET.

TEACHER: HOW CAN A MAN GO EIGHT DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING?

MUZO: NO PROBLEM, HE SLEEPS AT NIGHT.

TEACHER: HOW CAN YOU LIFT AN ELEPHANT WITH ONE HAND?

MUZO: YOU WILL NEVER FIND AN ELEPHANT THAT HAS ONE HAND.

TEACHER: IF YOU HAD THREE APPLES AND FOUR ORANGES IN ONE HAND AND FOUR APPLES AND THREE ORANGES IN OTHER HAND, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE?

MUZO: VERY LARGE HANDS.

TEACHER: IF IT TOOK EIGHT MEN TEN HOURS TO BUILD A WALL, HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE FOUR MEN TO BUILD IT?

MUZO: NO TIME AT ALL, THE WALL IS ALREADY BUILT.

Uncategorized

SHORT FUNNY STORIES


SHORT FUNNY JOKES ADULTS

1. Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

2. Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

3. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

4. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

5. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

6. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!

7. Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Never bin laid on

8. Q: Why is santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

9. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

10. Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran in-front of the bus?
A: He got tired

11. Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

12. Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.

13. Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can’t stand up for themselves

14. Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done

15. Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

16. Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He needed to get to the bottom!

17. Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!

18. Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

19. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.

20. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

21. Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies

22. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

23. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

24. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

25. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

26. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens!

27. Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
A: Halfway

28. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

29. Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: FUCKS FUNNY

30. Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

31. Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..

32. Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.

33. Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don’t work and always take your money.

34. Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

35. Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

36. Q: What do bread and autistic kids have in common?
A: They both have special needs

37. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me! One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

38. Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

39. Q: What is a crack head’s favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!

40. Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!

41. Q: What do you call a gang banger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.

42. Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

43. Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.

44. Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.

45. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

46. Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?

A: They both stick there meat in 10 year oldbbuns

BIBLE VERSES · LORD'S MASSAGE · TODAY'S SCRIPTURE · Uncategorized

HE IS WAITING TO LIFT YOU UP


HE IS WAITING TO LIFT YOU UP: Are you feeling weak? Are you stressed? Are you facing hardship? Are you sick? Are you hopeless? Are you not sure of your future? Are you having setbacks in life? Are you in tears and sadness? Is there no one willing to get you back on your feet? Is everything you touch not prospering? You do not have to look far Just fix your eyes on Jesus He is the Lord and Savior. Sometimes there are things we can not handle on our own. Sometimes we feel so broken down and all those around us can even ignore us. We will be in pain trying to look for the answer of our questions but no where to turn to. We soak ourselves in sorrow with no option on where to start from and how to start. Whenever we are in such a situation We have to realize that we are not alone. People can reject you. People can ignore helping you. People can turn their back on you. People can distance themselves away from you. But God will never leave you. God will never abandon you. God will always be there with you. You maybe in hardship right now You may be facing difficult situations right now You maybe unhappy right now You maybe confuse right now But only if you could get down on your knees and surrender all your situations in the hands of God then you will receive your deliverence! When we learn to depend on God All our tribulations will come to an end. God is a miracle working God. He has no happiness in watching His child suffers. So surrender yourself and your situation to him and i promise you that He will fix you and all your lost joy will be restored back! Wherever you are In whatever your doing Know that God loves you. He is ready to lift you up. He is ready to make you strong when your weak! Depend on him and He will never let you down! Those who look at God And depend on him fully will never be failures in life! Your not a failure. Just fix your eyes on God and He will provide all your needs in abundance according to his riches in Glory through Jesus Christ! Amen share to bless others

FUNNY JOKES · FUNNY STORIES · JOKES

FUNNY HOT DATE


Hot Date
.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot.

I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night.

We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out.

And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.

Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.

He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”