FUNNY JOKES · FUNNY STORIES · JOKES · Uncategorized

MY MOM SAYS AM CUTE


My name is Peter from Iten.I have a problem with women, here is what I am undergoing.

I was born a brave boy, and even voted the most handsome pupil in my school during a contest. I grew up knowing women love me.

I am now mature and ready to marry but I have a problem with women. Every time I approach a lady, she runs like she has seen a disaster. I try to explain why I am the best man in her life but she sneers at me.I have tried in more than 10 occasions to ask my mother whether I am handsome, and she always say,”yes”.Since I trust my mum more than these silly girls I don’t even need to look at myself in the mirror.

I am now asking, what trick can I use to win a beautiful woman. Please help a desperate brother.

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FUNNY FAMILY PRAYER


A Little Boy in a family Was Ordered To Pray before they could go to sleep for the Night!

Boy: I Don’t Know How To Pray…..!

Dad: Just Pray For Every Thing You Know about The Family And Our Neighbours.

Boy: Mummy, Please, Tell Daddy I Can’t Pray!

Mummy:: Shut Up, If You Don’t Pray You’ll Not Eat Food In this House!

Boy: Dad, Tell Sister To Pray Please…!

Dad: My son, Pray Before I Slap You Hard Now!

Boy: “Dear Lord…..” He Started…..!
“Thank You Oh God For Our Visitors And Their Children Who always Come Here To Eat Our Food, Don’t Let Them Finish All Our Food for we shall be Hungry!

From Today Father, Any Boy Who Beats Or Slaps Me In School, Help Me To Slap Them Back!
Forgive Our Driver Who I Always See Naked With My Sister Wrestling On The Bed!

Help my sister to fight back before the driver can make her grow round!

Forgive my elder brother who doesn’t sleep at home regularly!

Please, Provide Clothes To All The Naked Ladies On My Daddy’s
Phone and don’t let them drain my father’s salary!

Give my Daddy courage to buy for us good things as he always do to Aunty our house girl!

Again Lord Don’t Let Our House Girl Put Her Mouth Inside My Daddy’s Mouth Again!

Please, Provide Shelter For All The Men Who Sleep In Mum’s Room Anytime Dad Travels. Forgive me wherever I have asked wrongly!
In Jesus Name I pray…..!”

Nobody said AMEN!!

Every Body Regretted Ever Forcing Him To Pray…�

Don’t Laugh Alone.. Share With Your Friends.😅😅😅😆😜😂😛

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CONVO BTWN A BOY AND A GIRL


BOY; knock knock knock

GIRL; opens the door

.BOY; Good afternoon baby?

GIRL; Afternoon darling… Is everything okay because I have never seen u coming here at my place.

BOY; I wanted to surprise you.

GIRL; No because you are always scared of my parents.

BOY; Where are your parents?

GIRL; They are all at the church

BOY; At what time are they coming back?

GIRL; Around 17:00hrs

BOY; OK I will come and talk to them later ( he knelt down and showed the girl a Ring and said) WILL YOU MARRY ME?

GIRL; She said nothing but only tears came out.

BOY; what’s wrong, I thought this would be a good news to you but all am seeing is you’re crying.

GIRL; I can’t marry you darling go find other woman who is better than me.

BOY; baby why are you saying so?

GIRL; I am HIV positive!!!

BOY; Brokes into tears and hold the hand and said.

I love honey and I will marry you you weather HIV positive or negative I don’t care.

GIRL; I love you too darling and yes I will marry you

.The question is can you marry someone who is HIV positive?

Yes/No

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GIVE THIS GUY SOME MARKS


How many marks can u give him?

TEACHER: IN WHICH BATTLE DID NAPOLEONDIE?

MUZO: HIS LAST BATTLE.

TEACHER: WHERE WAS THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE SIGNED?

MUZO: AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.

TEACHER: RIVER RAVI FLOWS IN WHICH STATE?

MUZO: LIQUID.
TEACHER: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR DIVORCE?

MUZO: MARRIAGE.
TEACHER: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR FAILURE?

MUZO: EXAMS.
TEACHER: WHAT CAN YOU NEVER EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

MUZO: LUNCH AND DINNER
TEACHER: WHAT LOOKS LIKE HALF AN APPLE?

MUZO: THE OTHER HALF.

TEACHER: IF YOU THROW A RED STONE INTO THE BLUE SEA WHAT WILL IT BECOME?

MUZO: WET.

TEACHER: HOW CAN A MAN GO EIGHT DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING?

MUZO: NO PROBLEM, HE SLEEPS AT NIGHT.

TEACHER: HOW CAN YOU LIFT AN ELEPHANT WITH ONE HAND?

MUZO: YOU WILL NEVER FIND AN ELEPHANT THAT HAS ONE HAND.

TEACHER: IF YOU HAD THREE APPLES AND FOUR ORANGES IN ONE HAND AND FOUR APPLES AND THREE ORANGES IN OTHER HAND, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE?

MUZO: VERY LARGE HANDS.

TEACHER: IF IT TOOK EIGHT MEN TEN HOURS TO BUILD A WALL, HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE FOUR MEN TO BUILD IT?

MUZO: NO TIME AT ALL, THE WALL IS ALREADY BUILT.

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FUNNY HOT DATE


Hot Date
.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot.

I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night.

We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out.

And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.

Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.

He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

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INSIDE JOKE


Inside Joke

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.

The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust.

The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more.

The assistant duly follows.

Half an hour later, he returns.
“So did you follow him?” ask the chemist.

“I did”, replied the assistant.

“And…where did he go?”

“Over to your house…”

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FUNNY GRANDPA AND HIS GRANDSON


A Grandpa walks into a grandson’s apartment and sees a condom on the table.

“What’s this!?” demands the grandfather.

“It’s a condom” replies the grandson sheepishly.

“What do you use it for?” asks Gramps.

The guy is surprised that his grandpa really doesn’t know what a condom is, and lies, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”

To his surprise his grandpa says “That’s a great idea,” and goes off to the drug store.

He asks the pharmacist for a condom. “What size would you like” asks the pharmacist.

“Oh, big enough to fit a camel”